Mouse house

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My housemate and I tried to save a little baby mouse today. She had picked it up off the sidewalk where it was being attacked by ants, and she brought it home. We took it to the pet store for some supplies -- it was about 10-14 days old. Tiny squeaks. Fur. Eyes still closed. Cute.

We found something to feed it, and a warming lamp to put on an old aquarium I had. Got it home, kept it warm. Washed it, and finally named it Tashi. Then I was feeling confident and decided I would try to feed it (my roommate had rather unsuccessfully tried a couple of times, but we think he got a little something).

Its possible there was another reason, but I think I fed it too quickly and it aspirated the pediacare(try getting less than .25 cc into a tiny mouse mouth with a syringe)...... I wish now I had let my roommate feed it. The little mouse passed away in our hands, on our watch. My roommate is happy we did what we could -- at least it wasn't left there on street tormented by ants. It had a better passing away time. But I keep thinking I could have been more careful.

In this way, life is such a fragile balance. We never know when we will wake up, or when we will go to sleep that last time. When we will take that last breath.

The Yogi takes this knowledge and becomes fearless and alive in the moment, wasting no second, no breath, no thought. But those of us who are ruled by fear and guilt, we do not live in the present. We live in the past and look at the future, where the hues of life are weak and dull.

I wish to emerge from this little mouse house of remorse, and move onto the joy that exists in the present moment. Even though in the past I have felt as if my bones turned to ash in the burning ghats, and my fear pf death melted in the heat of the fires, it seems death still haunts me. And for now I just sit in the past, fear death and try to hide from it.

But as I sit and mediate, I feel I can just barely hear the laughter of the Great Yogini. I think she would say 10,000 miles can be covered with a single step, and one step can seem like 10,000 miles. Right now I could be totally alive and awake, 10,000 miles away from fear in just one step. Or I could be one step away from 10,000 miles of fear. Either way, it seems I can't lose. Why don't I just take one step and see where it takes me?

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