Evolutionary journey
I wasn't going to write for you. I thought about it often. But I thought it would be too obvious -- even more obvious than the entry I wrote in India on the man with orange hair. And I thought it would be too predictable -- I already wrote about yoga, and this is what, only the third entry? And I thought that maybe people would think that I had nothing better to do than to write about Yoga instructors. But Yoga has been on my mind lately. And I want to remember the early days of Yoga ....... And therefore my Yoga instructors as well. ...... And then when I mentioned the blog name you seemed interested. And that didn't go entirely unnoticed. And when did I ever worry about perception, perhaps even to a fault ?
So here is the second entry about Yoga, for you my second Yoga instructor, because you deserve to come alive here too. An evolutionary journey.
First, turtle pose
I remember our meeting. It was my first Bikrams and I felt like I landed on another planet. At the time, my perception was that was where you lived ... in the Bikram World .....with the power of Yoga and the fashion of Yoga and the West Side mentality of Yoga-ing. I felt like I somehow landed in Palm Beach during spring break. And yet those around me looked -- sort of --- well, not like spring breakers. More like ordinary regular approachable people. But what happened to the inner alignments? What happened to the multidimensional qualities alive in Yoga practice? Did I misunderstand what this Yoga method was about? Had I been insulated from the real Yoga world by my first Ashtanga Yoga instructor?
After class I asked you about the energetics of Yoga -- what is happening in my head during turtle pose??? You were certain I was having trouble in the pose --- and I was certain I was OK and the pose was trouble for my energetic alignment. I think the sudden leap from the Bikram world to the energetic world was an odd experience for us both -- I am left wondering if you were surprised by it -- were you prepared for it, or did that come later?
I walked out dazed by the glamour of it all - the bright yellow glow in my eyes as I drove home. I felt sort of sad, but my body felt good. And my energy was more aligned. The studio was close. I went back for a few classes when I could.
A year or so later I met you again. The new me met the new you. I walked into the studio one day, and as I was speaking to the receptionist, you appeared. You seemed so much more alive, centered, and lighter. And my first thought was -- what have you been doing? You have grown!!! And my second thought was -- have you grown or have I grown?
I decided it was both.
You had depth I never perceived before. And you seemed wiser and more experienced. You were studying other approaches and incorporating your learnings. And I could see how much more alive you were to the dimensions of Yoga. And that single moment inspired me in my Yoga practice more than I could ever explain. It was instantaneous -- I immediately decided I wanted to grow too.
And you became fellow spiritual traveller. You became Sangha.
Yoga practice again had the potential of being rich and nourishing on more than one level. The sun was again shining. The bright yellow daze took on a different meaning.
And then one day something different happened in turtle pose.
I never told you that I realized you were right about turtle. That I finally understood how you were looking at it and what you were trying to say. And I wondered if that meant that I was wrong, and I realized that it didn't. I don't mind being wrong. But we were from two different worlds talking about two different levels of experience. The two worlds came together that day, and I understood. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to turtle. And the energy in the top of my head. Got it. Until we go deeper and learn about it again.
And then there was Yin
It said for meditators, so I went. If I ever doubted that memory is stored in the body in areas other than the brain and the heart center, it is firmly challenged by my experience in Yin. Energetic memories, tears and old old old emotion emerged from the fibers in my body, escaping the spaces between joints and thoughts and breaths as I learned to stretch tissues that had been neglected for most of my life. I never mentioned it. This understanding was entirely for me at the time. But it fits here in the fabric of this learning.
Fellow Sangha member, now teacher
When did it happen? One day you became a teacher. A real teacher, not just a Bikrams coach. Alive to at least one more dimension of Yoga process. Not guru. Not spiritual teacher. But teacher in the way that one helps heal and protect the body. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to turtle. And the energy in the top of my head. Got it.
I am not sure when it happened -- that you became a teacher. I was probably not present when it happened. And I am not enlightened. Perhaps it only happened in my perception. But to me you had become a teacher -- and that goes beyond money, financial transaction, commercialism of Yoga. And the bright yellow had an new quality to me. On the outside, you probably recognized it as lemon verbena.
Healer phase and healing phase
I saw you growing into a healer. Not my healer. Not right now. I have all I need for now. But a healer. Sometimes I would contemplate it in the final asana -- right after you said Namaste.
I would think: What does Namaste mean? I recognize the potential in you?
My mind would wander. I wonder why I care so much, why I think about your healer and healing process. And right there I realized -- right about then -- don't ask me when -- but right about that particular moment that I was lying on the mat in corpse pose, I realized that I really did recognize the potential in you.
I recognize the potential in you. And now I can't settle for less.
In my small way (not a Guru way, for Green Light readers out there), I have become your cheerleader.
Death and Impermanence
One night, at Yin, a fear of death arose. It choked me and stole my breath away. It shivered up my spine and made me restless. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to cry. I wasn't breathing. Even child's pose felt unsafe. I realized pride drives me toward spirituality. The need to leave a legacy. And I sort of cowered at the thought that my dedication to serve others is tainted with such pride. And that my fear of death has been hidden away buried deep, when I thought that the Burning Ghats had turned it to ash. But I found my breath, and I found my courage, and I may have even found a bit of fearlessnes.
Why fearlessness? On a good day, even Yoga is about compassion.
I guess I am not built entirely of pride.
I walked out of the session and what do you know -- we ended up talking about death. And we didn't talk about fear of death. But we both knew we were talking about fear of death. Death, and then health, and then healing. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to ...... Got it.
And then the wish I have for you ran deeper. May you be in perfect health. May you see all levels. May you be a locus of peace. May you reach deeper understandings on the inside, may you align. May you benefit all sentient beings. And you became part of the song in my heart that I sing for others.
May you be free.
And when you have become free of your own suffering, may you help others, as a Spiritual Healer.
Who am I to say such things?
I am no laughing yogini. I barely know you. I am not counted conventionally among your friends, nor you among mine. I am not interested in social outings or eating cake with you. I am not interested in taking up your time or taking up your energy.
But you are my Sangha, and I am here for you.
This is who I am. Simply a fellow traveller. Community.
This is what I have to offer.
May Bodhicitta arise for me soon so that I may be of benefit to you. May the potential in me become alive so that I may help others.
Thank you.
So here is the second entry about Yoga, for you my second Yoga instructor, because you deserve to come alive here too. An evolutionary journey.
The next paragraph may have an odd tone, but its important for what comes later.
First, turtle pose
I remember our meeting. It was my first Bikrams and I felt like I landed on another planet. At the time, my perception was that was where you lived ... in the Bikram World .....with the power of Yoga and the fashion of Yoga and the West Side mentality of Yoga-ing. I felt like I somehow landed in Palm Beach during spring break. And yet those around me looked -- sort of --- well, not like spring breakers. More like ordinary regular approachable people. But what happened to the inner alignments? What happened to the multidimensional qualities alive in Yoga practice? Did I misunderstand what this Yoga method was about? Had I been insulated from the real Yoga world by my first Ashtanga Yoga instructor?
After class I asked you about the energetics of Yoga -- what is happening in my head during turtle pose??? You were certain I was having trouble in the pose --- and I was certain I was OK and the pose was trouble for my energetic alignment. I think the sudden leap from the Bikram world to the energetic world was an odd experience for us both -- I am left wondering if you were surprised by it -- were you prepared for it, or did that come later?
I walked out dazed by the glamour of it all - the bright yellow glow in my eyes as I drove home. I felt sort of sad, but my body felt good. And my energy was more aligned. The studio was close. I went back for a few classes when I could.
A year or so later I met you again. The new me met the new you. I walked into the studio one day, and as I was speaking to the receptionist, you appeared. You seemed so much more alive, centered, and lighter. And my first thought was -- what have you been doing? You have grown!!! And my second thought was -- have you grown or have I grown?
I decided it was both.
You had depth I never perceived before. And you seemed wiser and more experienced. You were studying other approaches and incorporating your learnings. And I could see how much more alive you were to the dimensions of Yoga. And that single moment inspired me in my Yoga practice more than I could ever explain. It was instantaneous -- I immediately decided I wanted to grow too.
And you became fellow spiritual traveller. You became Sangha.
Yoga practice again had the potential of being rich and nourishing on more than one level. The sun was again shining. The bright yellow daze took on a different meaning.
And then one day something different happened in turtle pose.
I never told you that I realized you were right about turtle. That I finally understood how you were looking at it and what you were trying to say. And I wondered if that meant that I was wrong, and I realized that it didn't. I don't mind being wrong. But we were from two different worlds talking about two different levels of experience. The two worlds came together that day, and I understood. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to turtle. And the energy in the top of my head. Got it. Until we go deeper and learn about it again.
And I knew right then that I should find a very quiet moment, a moment for just you and I -- devoid of distraction -- and say that I was wrong. I was wrong about you in that first turtle moment and I was sorry. I know if we had that moment of my apology, that something marvelous would have healed. Something fundamental that went beyond you and I. Something that was in the matrix of this world system. What is it? I don't know. But it would have removed one very judgemental thought -- it would have completely neutralized it. And I could see how that would have improved this very place we live. I still hold that quiet moment of apology in my heart, but I have never found the outside moment. So now you see why that first paragraph was important. I learned something. I hope that putting up with me was worth it.Perhaps it helped me overcome a habit.
And then there was Yin
It said for meditators, so I went. If I ever doubted that memory is stored in the body in areas other than the brain and the heart center, it is firmly challenged by my experience in Yin. Energetic memories, tears and old old old emotion emerged from the fibers in my body, escaping the spaces between joints and thoughts and breaths as I learned to stretch tissues that had been neglected for most of my life. I never mentioned it. This understanding was entirely for me at the time. But it fits here in the fabric of this learning.
Fellow Sangha member, now teacher
When did it happen? One day you became a teacher. A real teacher, not just a Bikrams coach. Alive to at least one more dimension of Yoga process. Not guru. Not spiritual teacher. But teacher in the way that one helps heal and protect the body. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to turtle. And the energy in the top of my head. Got it.
I am not sure when it happened -- that you became a teacher. I was probably not present when it happened. And I am not enlightened. Perhaps it only happened in my perception. But to me you had become a teacher -- and that goes beyond money, financial transaction, commercialism of Yoga. And the bright yellow had an new quality to me. On the outside, you probably recognized it as lemon verbena.
Healer phase and healing phase
I saw you growing into a healer. Not my healer. Not right now. I have all I need for now. But a healer. Sometimes I would contemplate it in the final asana -- right after you said Namaste.
I would think: What does Namaste mean? I recognize the potential in you?
My mind would wander. I wonder why I care so much, why I think about your healer and healing process. And right there I realized -- right about then -- don't ask me when -- but right about that particular moment that I was lying on the mat in corpse pose, I realized that I really did recognize the potential in you.
I recognize the potential in you. And now I can't settle for less.
In my small way (not a Guru way, for Green Light readers out there), I have become your cheerleader.
Death and Impermanence
One night, at Yin, a fear of death arose. It choked me and stole my breath away. It shivered up my spine and made me restless. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to cry. I wasn't breathing. Even child's pose felt unsafe. I realized pride drives me toward spirituality. The need to leave a legacy. And I sort of cowered at the thought that my dedication to serve others is tainted with such pride. And that my fear of death has been hidden away buried deep, when I thought that the Burning Ghats had turned it to ash. But I found my breath, and I found my courage, and I may have even found a bit of fearlessnes.
Why fearlessness? On a good day, even Yoga is about compassion.
I guess I am not built entirely of pride.
I walked out of the session and what do you know -- we ended up talking about death. And we didn't talk about fear of death. But we both knew we were talking about fear of death. Death, and then health, and then healing. Body connected to nerves connected to channels connected to winds connected to deeper and deeper levels. And back to ...... Got it.
And then the wish I have for you ran deeper. May you be in perfect health. May you see all levels. May you be a locus of peace. May you reach deeper understandings on the inside, may you align. May you benefit all sentient beings. And you became part of the song in my heart that I sing for others.
May you be free.
And when you have become free of your own suffering, may you help others, as a Spiritual Healer.
Who am I to say such things?
I am no laughing yogini. I barely know you. I am not counted conventionally among your friends, nor you among mine. I am not interested in social outings or eating cake with you. I am not interested in taking up your time or taking up your energy.
But you are my Sangha, and I am here for you.
This is who I am. Simply a fellow traveller. Community.
This is what I have to offer.
May Bodhicitta arise for me soon so that I may be of benefit to you. May the potential in me become alive so that I may help others.
Thank you.
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