Laughing Yoginis

I wrote a post on burying my dead selves .....an analogy for shedding old, outdated ways of being. But lately, I have been really resisting change. Even positive change. And I have had a lot of doubt and muck come up and longed for old times "when things were simpler" (not really true of course). I've felt really out of balance and have not been thinking clearly. And, well, the old choices I used to make, the ones which were never helpful, are seeming really tempting. So are the ones I was wise enough not to make and yet at some point entertained. So its tempting to be my old self, which is like unburying or resurrecting a dead self. Which would be a zombie according to the analogy. Which is fitting, since I also feel sort of like a zombie might feel. And of course, everywhere I turn it seems like there's a temptation to be the 'old me.' A very stifling, musty, scary temptation (yuk, why do I take it seriously?) So the zombie fields are the expanses of all...

I was looking at old photos today, and I came across these. This is a rather somber quote, but I find it inspiring. I want to laugh and rejoice that a president said something so wise. I am not going to speculate about it, his time is done now and so I am going to simply accept it as-is. This is in the FDR Memorial in Washington, DC in April 2006. "I HATE WAR. I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood runnign from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed.....I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I HATE WAR." "In these days of difficulty we Americans must choose the path of social justice….. the path of faith, the path of hope, and the path of love toward our fellow man. " "We have faith that future generations will know that here,in the middle of the twentieth century, there came a timewhen men of good will found a way to unite and produce,and fight to destroy the forces of igno...

Looking at May 2006

My rampaging elephant took me out for a drag today, what did you do?

aka a semi-amusing layered interlude to the Zombie theme arising in the blog...... just for this guy I know I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but just in case you were confused, in fact I am an upwardly mobile VP in a global consulting firm who owns real estate and is sufficiently liquid to invest in a meditation center. And I have the business cards to prove it *grin.* [That doesn't mean I have any money though, so don't come knocking. I already used it to support aforementioned meditation center.] So in case you thought I might be hiding in a cave with a wireless internet card, or wandering homeless around India in a large orange diaper, I thought I'd clear that up. I did come really close to completely shaving my head once.... But seriously, if you can't stop thinking about chucking it all and sitting in a field, then you can come hang out with me sometime and I will do my best to show you where to put your ass in the grass and MEDITATE ! So, in your mind, can I...

I'm feeling a little shy so I'd like to explain how my future doctor ended up with her name, just to make sure I am not creating any ordinary performance anxiety. There is a saying that if you accept reincarnation in general, then in the countless lives you have lived, all sentient beings have at one time or another been your mother. And your father, brother, sister, and best friend. And so if that is true, I have concluded, in fact, they have all probably been your doctor. And if we continue to be reborn, then at one point or another in the future, every sentient being will be your mother again. And your father, brother, sister, and best friend. And I add, also your doctor. I think about this every time I think of my future doctor. And I smile. Because maybe its this lifetime that she will have the role of my MD, or maybe its the next or the next. Or maybe she will get enlightened and she will be more of a spiritual doctor. But I appreciate her kindness either way. I will chee...

The spell checker thinks Yoginis is misspelled. *blink* Suggests Yogis. *long pause* I'd have let it slide if it suggested Yogins . *???* But no, I couldn't let it be. *sigh* Now what category does that go under? :)

I met him at a night club, I think. Out dancing -- could it have been at Carol's Cage? That night club I used to go to when I was 18 -- the one where I used to go with my 16 year old cousin who taught me how to mosh. She took me there. Then sometimes I went by myself. He must have met the "me" that wore combat boots and leggings, and enjoyed dancing to Nine Inch Nails, Jesus Jones and Thrill Kill Cult. I was underage then, but I never tried to drink at Carol's. I was a dancer -- not professonal of course, just for fun. I would dance until I could barely stand. I would close the bar dancing. I had long hair then -- down to my waist. But I wore it up with chopsticks to the clubs, knowing that if I ever got into trouble, they would provide handy defense. ??? So there I was, and I believe there he was too..... but if it wasn't there, it must have been some club. So I think this is how it goes. We met, we lost touch, time passed, we ran into each other again. Most of t...

I'm feeling slightly better -- I can almost breathe. Maybe I will pray a little more and see what happens -- I noticed I've been thinking and praying a lot for an old guy friend. Perhaps its time for a few more more stories ... maybe some old stories and some new prayers.

OK, you might think I am about to say hoo-hum, "We need enlightened doctors, not tired doctors," but it is actually another kind of prayer. Refuge is the committment to seek shelter and solace only in that which is pure, and not from that which is distorted and fallible. It is the pentultimate mast of the ship, the lamp on the stormy sea. It is safety itself. It refers to something that will never fail to uphold us, something that can only be found inside, not outside. And so in refuge we find a source of safety and shelter that cannot be found in our imperfect outer world. And we say a little prayer to remind us, and that prayer upholds us and protects us. And just so we can contribute, we make a little promise of nonharming. And sometimes we even promise that we will work hard to become a kind of refuge for others, eventually, when we have perfected our ability to help ourselves. I like to think of my future doctor out there (before she meets each patient) saying something...

OK, one never knows when these things are coincidental or not, but I'd have to say they happen far too frequently to me to say all of them are coincedence. So I look at them all with a mind of auspiciousness, but not too seriously. Here is the ORANGE moon at retreat [who ever saw an orange moon? Pink? Yes. Red? Yes. Gold? Yes. But not orange.] on the night of the empowerment of the wisdom meditation associated with Manjushri, an enlightened role model whose specialty is wisdom itself. Interestingly, the color associated with it is orange. Again, it's not that it happens, but how often it happens. For comparison, here are photos from the winter retreat 2006, where there was a red rainbow (just red, no other colors, except maybe for a tinge of gold) with red sky on the one night we did a meditation whose associated color was red. Did I mention the end of the rainbow was the prayer hall? Oh, yeah, and it was like 40 degrees every day in Wiscosnin in January for about 21 days. An...

OK, this is not for you, this is for me. Maybe I can figure out how to breathe again if I write.... My dead selves have dug themselves up from their graves.......what would the grave-digger say now? I am being haunted by zombies everywhere, and I feel like a Zombie (yes, capital Z). Is this what they refer to when they say the courage to pass through charnel ground, the 8 great cemeteries ? It is within here that one must find fearlessness to move toward the perfected state or be returned to ordinary, two dimensional, boring life. Snake eyes. The dice are coming up ordinary. I feel like I am going to vomit.

And in the bill I get a letter And in the letter is wisdom itself All wraped up in a shiny package of words And in this month's letter........ The Grave Digger Once as I was burying one of my dead selves, the grave-digger came by and said to me, "of all those who come here to bury, you alone I like." Said I, "You please me exceedingly, but why do you like me?" "Because," saide he,"They come weeping and go weeping ___ you only come laughing and go laughing." (Kahill Giban) This week I am on retreat, burying another dead, outdated old self. Here's to the gravedigger in all of us!